The Ordinary Prince
by Fenchurch1
Summary: When Prince Meredith Rodney Ingram McKay is christened, his Ancient Godfather gives him an unusual gift - the gift of being Ordinary! Based almost entirely on The Ordinary Princess by M M Kaye.
1. Chapter 1

**Title**:The Ordinary Prince, Chapter One.

**Author**:Fenchurch

**Characters**:Rodney/John (I suppose Elizabeth/Woolsey, but that's not important)

**Rating**:Fairy tale so PG, except that these are two guys!

**Warning**:See above…

Disclaimer:I own a copy of _The Ordinary Princess_, but I don't own the characters or the plot or anything else to do with it. I similarly own various sets of the Stargate Atlantis DVDs, but not the etc etc… mind you, if no one else wants them…

This is based on my favourite childhood book _The Ordinary Princess_ by M M Kaye.

When Prince Meredith Rodney Ingram McKay is christened he is given a strange gift – the gift of being Ordinary. Large chunks are lifted indirectly from the book.

Elizabeth Weir and Richard Woolsey are not quite in character – I think of it as Elizabeth and Woolsey playing those parts… like actors.

***

With bated breath, the people of Canadia waited and counted the canon blasts.

…_one…two…three…four…_

"Why?" asked a tourist.

"If it's ten then it's a Princess, but it it's eleven then it's a Prince. It'll be a Prince."

…_seven…eight…nine…_

"How do you know?"

"It always is," came the answer.

…_ten…ELEVEN…it's a Prince! _

"How did you know?" the hapless tourist asked.

"The first child is always a Princess who will rule as Queen eventually and Princess Jeannie was born two years ago. The second is always a Prince who will marry a King or a Queen. That's how it always is in Canadia!"

"Oh how wonderful it must be to be a Prince," the girls sighed, imagining the golden palace, the fantastic playroom, the food, the clothes, the beautiful life.

****

"I say it's Rash!" Prince Consort Richard exclaimed.

"Yes, I know dear," Queen Elizabeth sighed. "We heard you the first twenty-three times."

"Look what happened to my Grandmother Beauty!"

"But the whole spinning wheel and sleeping thing happened because they didn't invite _all_ the Ancients. We shall not make the same mistake."

"It doesn't matter how careful you are, you'll always miss one out." The Prince Consort frowned and flipped over a folder.

"I am in charge of the invitations," Chamberlain Teyla intervened softly. "I shall make sure that not one Ancient is missed."

"And I'll beat up anyone who dares try anything," General Ronon offered.

"Yes, fine," Richard agreed warily.

"Well, I am the Queen and I shall decide," Queen Elizabeth announced. "We shall invite all the Ancients, and they will all be little Meredith's godparents."

"Well, I still say it's RASH!"

"Yes dear."

***

The day of the christening arrived and everyone was decked out in their best clothes. Jewels glinted in the sun, clothes rustled as the courtiers moved around, chatting and eating. The Princess Jeannie danced and played like the perfect Princess she was, while Prince Meredith lay in his cot, beaming and grinning happily at anyone who peered into the bed.

He really was a perfect little angel, his blond curls bounced as he giggled and played with his own feet and he never made a fuss, never demanded anything and always behaved, even when he was being passed around and cooed at by every adult in the palace.

The palace cooks had created a banquet to feed not only the palace and the guests, but also the populace. Cakes, pastries, pies, jellies, puffs, creams and donuts graced the laden tables. The best pastry chefs in the land had created a cake seven tiers high, decorated with sugar roses, dragons, ships, bells and little teddy bears to celebrate the christening and the gardeners had brought the best and most beautiful blooms to decorate and waft gentle fragrances around the palace.

After the ceremony, during which the little Prince had been quiet and cute, the Prince's name was announced to the people.

"People of Canadia," the Royal Herald Chuck Campbell called from the balcony. "Welcome Prince Meredith Rodney Ingram McKay!" and the people cheered and shouted and four hundred and ninety-nine doves were released in celebration (one refused to come out of the nice, comfortable basket).

The guests began to file past the little Prince, leaving gifts for him and cooing over his perfect little features. They touched him and prodded him, ran their hands through his curls and generally adored the little Prince.

Finally the Godparents began to arrive through a magic portal known as the Stargate. A path was laid out for them and they approached the cot.

There was silence as everyone waited to hear what gifts they would offer the baby Prince.

The first gave Wit, the second gave Courage, the third gave Intelligence to surpass all others, the fourth gave Confidence, the fifth gave Musical Talent and so on.

Queen Elizabeth was ecstatic and kept nudging the sulking Prince Consort, reminding him that it had been her idea to have the Ancients as Godparents, but Prince Richard just grumped and muttered that the day wasn't over yet.

Suddenly there was a loud crack and the doors of the banqueting hall burst open to reveal a small figure with wild hair and glasses, gesticulating with his arms and hands flying as he strode up the hall. He was obviously furious and was muttering in some weird language.

"Told you so," the Prince muttered as the Queen rose to greet this most important of Godparents.

"Radek Zelenka!" The Queen caught the flying hands and beamed in pleasure. "You made it!"

"No thanks to the ridiculous system you call Traffic Management!" the Ancient snarled in accented Canadian.

"I was expecting you to arrive through the Stargate," the Queen placated.

"I didn't!" Radek snapped. "I don't like gate travel. I have never liked gate travel. Now, where's the brat?"

"Um… over here." The Queen led Radek by the hand to the cot where the Prince was watching the proceedings.

Everyone waited in silence to see what would happen. Radek had been invited, so hopefully it wouldn't be anything too awful, but he was obviously in a mood…

The grumpy Ancient took the list of gifts the others had already given and scanned them, nodding or huffing at each one.

"Hm.. Wit, Charm, Courage, Health, Wisdom… oh well, Intelligence, that is good… but the others… well, thank goodness my gift is stronger than any of theirs! I am going to give you a gift that will bring you more happiness than all of these gifts… _Charm_… huh! _Good skin? _Ridiculous! I am giving you a far greater gift. You shall be ORDINARY!"

There was a dramatic flash and a crack of unseasonal lightning and Radek turned on his heel and strode out of the room.

For a full two minutes there was shocked silence and it was broken by King Richard who spluttered.

"I TOLD YOU IT WAS RASH!"

After that the scene disintegrated into a free-for-all of shouting and screaming. The Queen wept, the King repeated again and again that he had told everyone it was a bad idea and that it had been RASH, Teyla tried to calm everyone, but was soon reduced to threatening people with her sticks and Ronon offered to chase after Radek and force him to take the gift away.

Then Prince Meredith decided that he had had a trying day, he had been patient and calm while people had prodded him and poked him, the scent from the flowers was bothering him and he did what any ordinary baby would do under the circumstances. He balled up his fists, opened his mouth as wide as possible and screamed and wailed.

The Queen was beside herself. "It's started already! He's become Ordinary!"

The Prince Consort repeated that it was RASH.

Teyla went to fetch her sticks and Ronon ran off to find Radek Zelenka but Prince Meredith carried on screaming and wailing, going purple in the face and kicking his little legs until his Royal Nursemaid picked him up and whisked him off to the Royal Nursery where they could all still hear his tantrum.

****

Long sunny days drifted by in the Kingdom of Canadia and with every passing year Radek Zelenka's gift became more noticeable.

No one ever called him by his grand name anymore. The people called him The Ordinary Prince and his family called him Mer. As he grew older, the perfect Prince became less perfect. His hair stopped curling perfectly and began to wave instead and it turned darker until it was really… well… mouse. His mouth, which had been balanced and beautiful, turned down on one side and his temper started showing itself.

Princess Jeannie, of course, was pretty and perfect with golden curls that framed her beautiful face exactly as a Princess' hair should, but not all the curl-papers in the world could make Mer's hair curl.

The Queen was determined to try and hide it, but the Prince was just an Ordinary kid. She hired dancing masters and posture experts from around the galaxy but Mer still hunched over and hated all sports. She tried to instil manners and polite behaviour into her son but Mer carried on berating idiots and saying whatever came into his head, often rubbing people up the wrong way.

They even tried gadgets and gismos left behind by the Ancients to help them, but none of them could remove a single freckle on the Prince's face.

Actually, Mer had benefitted from the other gifts given to him at the christening. The gold and jewels looked rather silly on him, especially when the Queen piled them on him in an attempt to hide the real boy underneath, but the Ancients' gifts were still in force.

He was mostly cheerful and had a good complexion. He was compassionate, especially to the unfortunate, often escaping from the palace to take food, medicines and money to those in need. He was vastly intelligent, showing so much aptitude for Math, Science, Languages and anything else that required cleverness, but he hated having to move anywhere, especially for the dubious pleasures of keeping fit.

He was charming, in his own, slightly abrasive way. He was pretty much left to himself, unless his mother went into one of her '_let's try and make Mer look like a Prince'_ phases, and so he was often alone. He liked Teyla and Ronon, but they would often try and make him learn to fight, to ride and to do all the stuff that chivalrous nobles were supposed to learn, so he usually escaped into the town or, most often, down to the dungeons where the labs were housed.

Mer's best friend was Dr Carson Beckett. He was the Court Physician and had become Mer's tutor, although if he was honest, Carson would probably have agreed that he learned as much from the Prince as he taught. He would never say that to the Prince though. Mer could be insufferable when he was proved right and adjectives such as 'arrogant' and 'smug' would have seemed appropriate, had the boy not been a Prince.

However, Carson could see under the rude exterior and understood that underneath there was a boy who was lonely and unable to please his parents.

The Prince tried hard to be pleasant and polite, Princely and perfect, but he always ended up tripping over the heavy garments, or saying exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time, and then he would see his mother's brow creasing and his father's face settle into a sulk and he would know that he had done it again.

Sometimes he wished that he could be a proper Royal child like his sister, that he could charm people with his grace and win the love of his parents and approval of the court, but then he would remember that he always had more fun in the labs than Jeannie ever could, that he met the real people and was able to help them and that he didn't have to just sit around looking pretty as Jeannie did.

Jeannie would learn to sew and sing, to rule wisely by listening to her courtiers and always to be attentive and polite.

Mer got to blow stuff up, which was much more fun.

Jeannie was always surrounded by courtiers, nobles, servants and pages who would bow to her and accede to her every wish.

Mer was either alone or with Carson and didn't have to bother with people too much. He could nip down to the kitchen if he was hungry and dress himself in comfortable clothes instead of having to wait around for people to help him.

No one ever had to ask where the Princess Jeannie was as she was always where she was supposed to be and guarded by soldiers in silly uniforms.

Every now and again someone would remember that there was a Prince too and they would ask '_Where is The Ordinary Prince?_' and the answer would always be '_Oh somewhere about. Don't worry, he'll be back for tea_.'

***

Finally the day of the wedding of Princess Jeannie arrived. She was marrying a Prince from the neighbouring country of Americana who had been chosen because he was wise and good and the second son of the King and Queen.

Prince Kaleb was handsome and gallant and Mer hated him on sight.

As Mer walked down the aisle, following his sister in her silk brocade dress, sewn with hundreds and hundreds of pearls and diamonds, he tried not to fidget and scratch at the itchy lace around his neck. His clothes were stiff and uncomfortable and he couldn't help hearing people comparing him to his sister.

They said things like 'Oh the Princess looks superb, but the Ordinary Prince is really nothing much to look at' or 'They'll have fun trying to marry him off!'

As soon as he could, Mer grabbed a plate of food and ran off to the labs where he was working on a new kind of light bulb.

"Your Highness!"

Mer turned around in shock and found himself face to face with a very flustered Carson.

"Where the hell have you been? Didnae ye know they're all looking for ye?"

"Oh yes, of course, I had forgotten how dreadfully important I am to my Royal parents. They can't manage without me!" Mer turned back to his simulation.

"Well, Teyla did ask where you'd got to," Carson told him, not quite acknowledging that Mer was right.

"I'm right here, where I can nearly always be found."

"Perhaps if you behaved more like a Prince, you would be more significant to the court?"

"I do not wish to be more _significant to the court_!" Mer imitated his friend's Scottish accent. "I wish to be left alone."

"You're afraid, aren't you?"

"What?"

"Ye heard."

"I'm not afraid. The Ancients gave me 'courage' as a christening gift!"

"You're afraid that you won't be at a wedding of your own."

"Why in God's name do you think I'd ever want to be married?" Mer was indignant. "I would hate to have a simpering wife who panics if she breaks a nail, or a bear of a husband who will want me to sit around all day and back him up over everything." Mer started snapping his fingers in agitation. "I don't want to be a consort to anyone! I would have to give up experiments and science, I would never be able to go out into the world and talk to real people and I would be so bored all the time. I'm far too intelligent for any of those moronic Princes and idiot Princesses, why would I want to be married to one?"

"Because you might be accepted and you might find companionship?" Carson suggested softly.

"Oh you've got to be kidding!" the Prince retorted. "Well, I'm tired, I've got a headache, my eyes are all swollen from the pollen from those wretched flowers and I'm going to bed."

Carson watched his Prince go and reflected that Mer's exit had been very… _Princely_.

***

Actually, as it turned out, there was no real reason for Mer to be worried about marriage to anyone, as no one offered.

Princes and Princesses came from all around to 'pay a friendly visit', as Canadia always produced superb royalty and the Prince must surely be a gem, but they'd all take one look at Mer and back away remembering that they had to visit Aunt Flo who was sick, or that they had urgent Dentist appointments. They would promise to come back soon and visit properly, then they would leave and never come back.

Mer was quite happy that the 'Stuffed Shirts' never asked him to marry them. He would have had to decline and then his parents would have been really mad. He would just pull off the fine garments and jewels that his mother made him wear and then get stuck into another experiment. Only Carson noticed that his experiments tended to be a little more explosive than usual after a State Visit.

The Queen was vexed. She had tried everything, but it seemed that Prince Meredith was destined to remain a bachelor. It was very bad for diplomatic relations and also for Canadia, who relied on the reputation of their Royals when trading.

So the Queen decided that the wise thing to do was to call for an Extraordinary Meeting of the Principal Ministers to discuss the Matter of the Marriage of Prince Meredith.

Fifteen important men and women sat around the council table and watched warily as the Prince Consort outlined what the meeting was to be about.

"And so we have called you here today to discuss a solution to the problem," the Prince read, then he put down the file and added. "Twenty years ago I said that it was rash to invite Ancients and I was right. It was RASH!"

"Richard, dear, please don't say that word again or I may have to have your head chopped off." The Queen rubbed her temples to soothe the approaching headache.

There was a silence that was broken by the Queen.

"Well? Has no one any ideas?"

The silence became gloomy.

"There has never been an unmarried son or daughter of Canadia in all the Annals of the country and we will not start now!" The Queen insisted. "There must be something we can do."

"There has never been a Prince quite like Mer… um… Meredith," Teyla opined.

"I asked for ideas, not criticism!" The Queen snapped.

"The Queen in right," Prince Richard added. "No Princess or Prince of this house has ever failed to make a brilliant marriage and Mer… Meredith will be no exception. He may be ordinary, but he has his good points too."

"Such as?" The Queen asked dangerously.

"He's bright" Ronon grunted. "He made me a really cool gun that can…"

"Yes, yes, yes," the Prince interrupted. "No one disputes his genius… not twice anyway, but I don't think that offering a gunsmith as a consort is the way forward."

"I'd take him," Ronon grinned.

"Well, you're not a Prince, Ronon," the King argued. "Although if we can't get rid of him in any other way, we'll get back to you."

"No!" the Queen snapped, then she softened her tone with exaggerated patience. "My son will marry a King or a Queen… or possibly a rich Duke… the point is that he will make a good marriage and I want _ideas_ from you lot!"

"Well…" a voice was heard and they all turned to look at the Minister for National Security.

"Go on Minister Bates," the Queen encouraged.

"We could ask the Wraith…"

"I beg your pardon?" The Queen demanded. "I hope you're not suggesting that we feed my son to the Wraith. I know they have Queens, but I don't want to get rid of him like that!"

"No!" Minister Bates hastily protested. "I only meant… well, we could ask a Wraith to threaten the lives of the villages about the tower of Pegasus. We could then imprison the Prince in the tower and get the Wraith to guard it. Then we send out a proclamation that any Prince or Princess who slays the Wraith gets to marry the Prince."

"You know…" The Queen said slowly. "He may be onto something there. I'm not happy about inviting any Wraith into our land…"

"We could ask Todd." Minister Caldwell suggested. "He'd do it and he wouldn't have to kill anyone."

"If we kept Mer out of sight until it was all over…" The Queen carried on slowly. "I'm sure that it's the kind of challenge that most Princes and Princesses would rise to and then, when they've killed the Wraith… we'd have to get Todd to pretend or something… they would be obliged to marry him!" She beamed. "Do you know, I think it might work! By the time they see Mer… er Meredith, they won't be able to back out! They would _have_ to marry him!"

"What about Apollo?" Teyla asked, her face showing a little less enthusiasm for the scheme than the Queen would like.

"What?"

"The Grand Duke Ellis of Apollo is 'dropping in for tea' tomorrow," Teyla reminded them.

"Oh we know how that will go." The King made an un-Kingly 'tcha' noise. "He'll turn up, announce that he's here 'for tea', he'll see Mer and then remember that he promised to pick up a special gift that only he can get for his mother. We won't even have time to pour the tea."

"I don't suppose we could say that Meredith is unwell?" The Queen suggested. "He may even ask for his hand… sight unseen."

"I believe that the Grand Duke would merely extend his visit until he had seen the Prince," Teyla opined. "And our staff are unused to prolonged State Visits now."

"No, you're right," The Queen sighed. "Fine. Minister Bates , perhaps you would be good enough to see to the matter of the Wraith? Jennifer, would you draw up a proclamation? Ronon, you see to the security and the setting up of Pegasus Tower. We don't want Mer to be uncomfortable do we? And Carson? Perhaps you could see to setting up a good laboratory for him? He may as well spend his time usefully. Perhaps he could make some more of those guns."

"Your Majesty… is this really the way…?"

"Yes Teyla, it is." The Queen proclaimed and the Councillors scattered.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Ordinary Prince Chapter 2**

Stolen, McShepped and SGAed by Fenchurch, from M M Kaye's brilliant book – _The Ordinary Princess_.

Beta-d by the amazing Goddess47.

_Remember, this is Fairytale Land! It's sweet and innocent and distinctly British in flavour._

*******

The Grand Duke Ellis of Apollo was due to arrive any minute and the Queen cleared the Prince's room of servants and courtiers. They had been working all day to make Prince Meredith look handsome… which had left Mer in a foul mood. He was so weighed down with jewels it felt as though he were dragging a horse around, and his maids had applied so much face cream that he felt he was drowning in the stuff.

"Meredith, my dear."

"Yes Mother?" Mer sighed, knowing what was coming.

"Please pay attention. This is very important. I particularly wish you to make a good impression on the Duke, for if you manage to make a favourable impression on him, he may offer to marry you and that would save your father and me a great deal of trouble… and expense." She thought of the tower, the bribe for the Wraith and the new lab they would have to set up.

"Yes Mother," Mer said dutifully as the Queen took a breath.

"So you will stand up straight with your shoulders back, instead of slouching. Speak nicely and politely when you are spoken to and… try to look as though you were enjoying yourself."

"Yes Mother."

"Also, keep your back to the light as much as possible. I have heard that Duke Ellis is a bit short-sighted and maybe if he can't see you properly, he'll just assume that you are beautiful. Always remember that you are a Prince of Canadia and even though you are not beautiful, try and look as though you were."

Mer managed not to snort with derision and instead followed his royal mother down to the banqueting hall.

Unfortunately His Royal Highness the Grand Duke Ellis of Apollo was pompous, proud and presumptuous. Within ten seconds of meeting him, Mer had realised that the man was an idiot and he delighted in telling him so, backed up with evidence of course. All the frowns and winks, kicks and whispers of '_Mer behave!_' from his parents could not save the situation, while the Duke saw only Mer's excessive ORDINARINESS.

"Goodness gracious!" The Duke exclaimed loudly as they all sat down to eat. "I can't believe the man is a Prince at all! Who ever heard of a Prince with hair that colour? And that mouth!"

So, while the Duke thoroughly enjoyed the banquet (which was supposed to have been 'tea' but no one eats that much for 'tea') and Mer also enjoyed the food, there was no talk of marriage.

No one was at all surprised to hear, when the banq… _tea_ was over, that the Grand Duke had promised to visit his cousin Baron Landry and that he would have to leave. Actually everyone was very glad to see him go, but none more so than the Ordinary Prince.

***

A week or so later, Mer was out in the forest, chipping out some quartz for an experiment, when a rather pretty girl came past collecting flowers and apples.

"Oh! I'm sorry!" The girl said, plopping down uninvited to sit next to the Prince. "I didn't think anyone else would be around here."

"No, neither did I" Mer muttered a little crossly. It didn't deter the girl, who was obviously a talker.

"It's such a shame that we won't be able to come out here and collect supplies from the forest anymore after the Wraith get here."

Mer dropped his little pick axe and said, "I beg your pardon? Did you say Wraith?"

"Yes. Haven't you heard?"

"Well obviously not! Otherwise I wouldn't have been surprised… Oh never mind! Tell me about the Wraith."

"Well, they're getting a Wraith to come here and terrorise the villages."

"What? _On purpose_?" Mer cried.

"Yes," the girl sighed. "You must come from a very out-of-the-way village if you haven't heard about this."

"Yes, well you can't find decent quartz anywhere nearer to the… why are they getting a Wraith?"

"Well, it's because of the Prince."

"The _Prince_?" exclaimed the Prince.

"Yes, you see, he's not handsome and pretty as royalty should be and no one wants to marry him."

"Hmm… now _that_ I knew. But why ever a Wraith?"

"Well, you see…" And the girl explained about silly Princes and Princesses with huge swords and heroic ideals.

"I see," the Prince snarled.

"Well, I say that it may be alright for the Queen, but it's really not fair on the villagers. We won't be able to come here anymore and the Wraith is bound to capture some villagers and… you know… drain them."

"Yes, you're right!" The Prince announced. "And what's more, it ought to be stopped! I should be getting home."

"Yes, so should I. Well, it was nice meeting you!"

The girl hurried off, but Mer stamped his foot and threw the pick axe to the ground. "Wraith!" He stormed. "I'll give them Wraith! So they think they can push me off on to any silly Prince who kills a Wraith do they? Hah!"

On getting back to the palace, Mer gathered together the things he would need. Food and clothes, his portable science kit and all the coins he could find, and then he went down to tea.

As soon as he was alone in his room, Mer picked up his pack and wrote a short letter. He took his plainest cloak and then made his way down to the passage he always used. The night was clear and the moon shone and the Prince made his way out into the forest that he had come to know so well.

The next morning it wasn't until Carson announced that the Prince had not come to his lessons that anyone noticed Mer was missing. Then there was uproar.

There was a large letter on the chimneypiece labelled

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

And it was brought immediately to the Queen who ripped it open.

_Dear everyone,_

_I think this Wraith idea is really stupid and only a complete moron would come up with it. I refuse to be shut up in a tower and I won't marry a Prince or Princess just because he or she can kill a Wraith. In fact I don't think I want to marry anyone at all, so I have run away. Please don't worry about me, I'll be fine._

_Love and kisses,_

_Mer._

_PS – You're all idiots!_

Of course everyone went around searching for him. Rewards were offered and people were threatened (mainly by Ronon who was really enjoying himself), but the Ordinary Prince had disappeared.

***

When Mer had run away, it had been summer and there were plenty of roots and berries around as well as apples, pears and cherries. He slept in the open, or in a cave he'd become quite fond of where he had set up a temporary lab and had collected plenty of firewood for the cooler evenings.

Now, however, winter was approaching and Mer's clothes were beginning to fall apart. He was also becoming quite lonely without even Carson to talk to, so he was beginning to talk to himself, or to the trees, or even to a squirrel he hadn't yet managed to get rid of. It just kept following him around and screaming at him.

One morning, after a fine breakfast of apples and wild strawberries, Mer was startled to see a strange little gnome approaching. He had wild hair and a pair of wire-framed glasses and he was muttering to himself in some weird language, and he didn't seem at all surprised to see Mer hanging around.

"Well?"

"Well what?" asked the Prince.

"Aren't you even going to say hello?"

"Um… hello… er… do I know you?"

"Yes Rodney, I am your Godfather."

"Rodney?" Mer asked.

"You don't seriously still go by _Meredith_ do you?" The gnome looked astonished. "You do know that this is a girl's name?"

"Of course I know! I'm the one who was saddled with it! Rodney is my second name."

"Well, you may as well use it for something."

"You're Radek Zelenka, aren't you?" Rodney asked rhetorically. "In fact, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here."

"Does that make you sorry or glad?"

"Glad!" the Prince replied promptly. "Ok, sometimes I wish I was a proper Prince so my parents would like me and not hire Wraith to trick Princes into marrying me, but not very often. I have much more fun being me!"

"Good, that gift of intelligence wasn't wasted then. So, come with me and tell me everything."

Rodney decided that he liked the name 'Rodney', that his godfather was not as much of an idiot as everyone else in the world, and that he really needed to talk to someone… even if it was just a crazy gnome with wild hair.

"So," Rodney said after he had told his Godfather everything, "what does an ordinary person do when they need to get out of the cold during the winter months?"

"That is a stupid question, Rodney," Radek told him companionably. "They work."

"Work? Where?"

"Well, I'd have thought that town over there would be a good place to start."

"Town? Where?"

Radek made a noise that may have been a sneeze, or maybe an expletive in some other language.

"Look over there!"

"You took me through a portal when I wasn't looking," Rodney told his Godfather, unimpressed.

"Oh all right! Yes, I did."

"So, where are we?"

"That is the city of Atlantis in the land of Lantea. But you must still find a job and work. Palaces are always looking for kitchen staff."

"Kitchen staff? I could do kitchen work, I suppose, after all cooking is just chemistry."

"Right, chemistry…" Radek kind of agreed. "Good luck Rodney."

"Thank you, Godfather." Rodney bowed politely. After all, he was a Prince and he had been very well brought up.

Radek conjured up a new portal and stepped through it, although not without a muttered imprecation about travel and the disorienting effect of wormholes.

"Well!" Rodney exclaimed to himself as his pet squirrel jumped up onto his shoulder.

***

It took quite a while to get to Atlantis, especially as Rodney was finding it hard to travel over the cobbled streets. He told the squirrel that he was too heavy and the cobbles that they were too knobbly. He then told himself that he should stop talking to himself.

He barely had time to open his mouth when he knocked on the kitchen door. They just whisked him inside and gave him the job of thirteenth Assistant Cook's Assistant, as the previous post-holder had just heard his mother was ill and handed in his notice.

Rodney was paid two pfennigs a week plus his keep. He woke early and went to bed late, he peeled and chopped vegetables, fetched wood and coal, filled and carried pails of water and scrubbed pots as well as a hundred other things. He had a small lumpy mattress to sleep on in a room he shared with three other lads at the top of the castle, but he was usually so tired out by the end of each day that he really didn't notice how uncomfortable or cold it really was.

The squirrel stuck by him and scampered about on the roof tops when Rodney wasn't around, but in the evenings he joined the Prince and ate the bread and milk that Rodney brought for him. Rodney was rather surprised that the squirrel hadn't run off, but at the same time it was nice to have a friend.

The best part of all was that the Ordinary Prince had every other Thursday afternoon off, and he was allowed to spend as he wished. He would go out to his cave through the portal and spend the afternoon working on his experiments, tinkering with his projects and eating his packed lunch, which he shared with the squirrel MAFS (which stood for- My Amazingly Friendly Squirrel).

Then every Saturday Mer was paid and he put two more pfennigs – money that he had earned through hard work – into a cardboard box. He had never felt so proud of anything he had done, not even when he had finally made a gun that Ronon loved.

On the whole the Ordinary Prince could only say that he was enjoying life as much as ever. Working this hard was so much more satisfying than lessons on how to sit, stand, eat, move and dance. He had always enjoyed being in the kitchen at home, but there was something special about being a true part of the bustle and workings of the staff.

Every now and again, the Ordinary Prince would write a letter to his parents to tell them that he was still alive and very happy, but he always gave it to some traveller to post so that no one would come to drag him away.

***

One of the favourite topics of conversation was the owner and ruler of the castle and the country, King Algernon. According to the kitchen maids, the King was young, handsome, gallant and wonderful, but Rodney knew better. He knew all about Kings and Princes and Dukes and they were all stiff, stodgy, boring and pointless.

Apparently the King's mother had died when he was a baby, and his father had died a few years back, since which time he had been King. This meant that King Algernon had become King at a very early age and he was not yet married.

Then, one winter's day, the castle of Atlantis was thrown into disarray with the sudden arrival of Queen Mora of Proculus, apparently here to pay a friendly visit to her favourite nephew, King Algernon of Lantea. Rodney knew better, of course.

"She wants the King to marry her daughter," he informed Harold, the twelfth Assistant Cook's Assistant.

"You mean Princess Chaya?"

"Chaya, yes," Rodney snorted. "_Chaya _– honestly! Why do they always give Princesses stupid names?"

"I quite like it," Harold muttered quietly, but he'd been on the other end of Rodney's scorn, so he didn't say it too loudly.

"So, how long will she stay?"

"Oh God, you know, the same as always."

"Always?"

"Look, you haven't been around royals for long. You get used to this. The number of Princes and Princesses that have dropped by for 'friendly visits' would fill the yard twice over! It's the Councillors fault, if you ask me. They're always on at the King to get married. The Prime Minister is always inviting Princes and Princesses to stay, but the King hasn't fallen in love with any of them yet."

"Well, at least he's good looking," Rodney said a little crossly. "He won't have to be locked up in a tower to make someone marry him."

Harold just blinked. "I wish I was a Prince or Princess. He's pretty damned gorgeous."

***

To celebrate the arrival of Queen Mora, there was a huge banquet and a magnificent ball, which was all very well, but it meant that the kitchen maids and cooks' assistants were kept hard at work even before the sun rose that morning.

The Queen had brought a retinue of more than a hundred courtiers and knights and ladies-in-waiting and, of course, they all had retainers and servants. It had been a rather splendid affair as they all arrived in style, even to Rodney's practiced eye, but he had not had much time to watch and had been scolded for being away from the kitchen so long when he had gone back.

The Ordinary Prince had very little time for banquets and balls, but even he was moved by the sound of the music drifting into the kitchens. There was a festival atmosphere even down there and even though they were all kept working hard, scrubbing, cleaning, peeling and preparing, people sang as they worked and laughed as they scrubbed. Some of the kitchen maids broke off to dance a little with their mops and the cooks all whistled and stirred their pots in time.

The kitchen maids and cooks' assistants were the last people to be allowed to bed and the embers were dying in the fireplaces by the time Rodney had finished scrubbing the last pot. Tomorrow morning they would start cleaning the fine platters, cups and dishes that were waiting in the pantry, waiting for daylight and nimbler fingers to clean them rather than the bone tired hands of that evening.

Rodney dragged himself to the pantry, even though he just wanted to go to bed. He wanted to pick up some nuts for MAFS and he knew that there would be some left over from the huge meal.

There weren't any in the pantry, but Rodney was pretty sure that there would be some in the Banqueting Hall. They always left that sort of thing till the next morning.

There were indeed nuts. In fact there was quite a lot of everything as the tables had not been cleared yet. Rodney sighed at the amount of work there was left to do and set about looking for some walnuts, which were MAFS' favourites.

He was rather surprised to find a young man in a creased velvet doublet, sitting on the edge of one of the tables, swinging his legs and licking a spoon.

Rodney couldn't help thinking that the young man looked rather nice, even though his hair needed a comb and his once costly doublet was obviously well-worn and pretty much ruined. Rodney decided that he was probably one of the Royal Pages.

"Hey!" said the young man, suddenly.

"Oh…er… hey!" Rodney replied. Then they looked at each other in the flickering candle light and smiled. Rodney liked the young man's smile. It made his eyes crinkle up at the corners.

"Were you looking for something?" the nice young man inquired.

"Nuts for MAFS," Rodney explained.

"MAFS?"

"Oh, he's only a squirrel, but he's a particular friend of mine and he's very fond of nuts."

"MAFS?"

"My Amazingly Friendly Squirrel," Rodney explained with a little smug grin at his own cleverness.

"Right… you know, you should probably avoid naming anything," the young man grinned and Rodney forgot to be offended.

"It's really late and I should be getting to bed, but I had to come and look. I didn't expect to find anyone here," Rodney babbled.

"Neither did I, but as you're here, why not have some chocolate cake? It's good."

"There's chocolate cake?" Rodney cried enthusiastically.

"Yeah, loads. I can't think why they always make so much. There aren't any clean plates left, but if you just grab a fork, you can scoop it up off the cake plate." The nice young man budged up a little and, once Rodney was settled, offered him a silver fork. "There's cream in that jug there too."

"Now," the nice young man said as they tucked into the cake. "Tell me about MAFS."

So Rodney told him about his cave in the forest, the cold of the winter and his finding a job in the castle, while the young man listened politely and swung his legs.

"Now," Rodney informed his new acquaintance when he had finished. "You are supposed to tell me about yourself. It's called a conversation."

"Right!" The young man drawled, clearly amused.

"So, what do you do?"

"Oh I work here."

"What kind of work?"

"Anything I'm told to do really. I'm a kind of… man-of-all-work."

"Oh! I thought you might be a page."

"God no!" the young man laughed. "They have a much better time of it than I do. Two hours off every day and an afternoon off a week."

"Don't you ever get an afternoon off?"

"Hardly ever," the man-of-all-work told him gloomily.

"Well, I really think you ought to insist on it!" the Ordinary Prince said indignantly. "Even Assistant Cook's Assistants get an afternoon off every other week."

"What do you do on your half day off?"

"MAFS and I go back to the forest. We take some left overs from the kitchen and have a picnic, then I do some more work on my experiments until it's time to come back." The Ordinary Prince yawned. "I really should go to bed."

"Oh don't go yet!" the nice young man entreated. "It's early yet! I know hardly anything about you!"

"It's not early, unless you mean early morning! I have to get up very early tomorrow morning to do more scrubbing, so I am going to bed. It was very nice talking to you." Rodney pushed off the table and bowed sleepily. "Good night."

"Good night." The young man sounded disappointed.

As Rodney reached about half way up the stairs that led up to his attic, he was stopped by a rather loud whisper.

"Hey!"

"Oh! It's you!" Rodney smiled.

"You forgot these," the nice young man held out a handful of walnuts. "For MAFS."

"Oh! I completely forgot! Thank you."

"So, when did you say your next half-day was?"

"I didn't, but it's next Thursday."

"Then may I… could I come too?" The young man's pointy ears appeared to be going as pink as the rest of his face and Rodney couldn't help grinning.

"Do you think they'd let you off?"

"Well, I'd try… if you'll let me come that is."

"We shall be delighted… only you'd better bring your own cake. We don't always get very much."

"I'll bring all the cake!"

"Oh goodness!" Rodney yawned widely. "I'd better get to bed, I've got to be up by half-past five tomorrow."

"Good night, Cook's Assistant."

"Good night Man-of-all-work."

The Ordinary Prince yawned again and then dragged himself up to bed.


	3. Chapter 3

The Ordinary Prince, Chapter 3

***

Luckily the next Thursday was a fine day and Rodney arrived in the first clearing of the forest to find the nice young man waiting for him. Together they went through the portal to Rodney's cave, where Rodney showed his lab and his latest project to the Man-of-all-work. They created a few explosions, made some thick green smoke and then competed against each other to see who could make the best paper aeroplane.

As Rodney was feeding the last few crumbs of cake to MAFS, it suddenly occurred to him that this had been one of the nicest days he had ever had.

The Man-of-all-work had joined in with the picnic, bringing a whole chocolate cake and even a pair of dishes to eat it from. He had laughed at Rodney's jokes, been amused when Rodney had complained about the wet path, the slippery cobbles and the tree roots, and he had even caught Rodney's hand one time when Rodney's thin boots had caused him to slip. The nice young man had even agreed that it had been the boots that made him slip and that he, the Man-of-all-work hadn't slipped because his boots were better.

Even MAFS had seemed to like him and MAFS didn't just go to anyone calling to him with a walnut in his hand! The nice young man was very pleasant to look at, too. He had hair that evidently hadn't seen a hairbrush in days, a stained jacket that had a rip in it from when he had proved he could climb a certain tree and his ears were pointy. When he laughed his face lifted and he seemed carefree and casual and nothing like all those stuffy Princes and Princesses that Rodney had been forced to socialise with before.

The Man-of-all-work was also good at Math and that went a long way in Rodney's book. He had set the nice young man some equations to do while he ran the heat test on the light bulbs and the Man-of-all-work grinned and did them quickly. They were evenly matched at chess, even though they had to play it with chalk and acorns, and they set each other some number problems to do on their own. Rodney had never met anyone who could do Math nearly as well as himself and none of the Royals he had ever met had even come close!

It was confirmed in Rodney's mind now, that Ordinary people like himself and the nice young man were far, far better than anything or anyone born in a palace.

Right now the young man was leaning back on a tree trunk, stringing acorns together and whistling happily.

"There!" he announced suddenly, dropping the acorn necklace on Rodney's lap.

"Er… thank you," Rodney replied in an uncertain tone.

"Look after it!"

"Are you sure it's clean?"

"Yeah!" the Man-of-all-work sniggered. "You must keep it forever."

"I really don't think it will last that long."

"So, Cook's Assistant, what is your name?" the nice young man asked suddenly.

"Rodney."

"Nice name. It suits you. Now why can't all parents give sensible names to their children?"

"What, like 'Chaya' you mean?"

"Exactly!" The Man-of-all-work sat up. "Or Algernon!"

Rodney giggled. "That's just so pompous! You could never imagine a Prince called Rodney now, could you?"

"I don't see why not. It's a perfectly sensible name. So, Prince Rodney…" The nice young man stood and helped a laughing Rodney to his feet. Then he bowed. "Prince Rodney."

"And what should I call you?"

"John." John told him.

"I am delighted to make your acquaintance, Prince John," Rodney said with an elegant, sweeping bow.

"Hey! You did that just like a real prince!" John laughed, and then he laughed even more when Rodney suddenly stood up straight and slipped, falling very inelegantly on his bottom. "Ok, that was less princely!"

"Oh shut up and help me up!"

"Yes, Your Royal Highness!"

"Oh please!" Rodney rolled his eyes, but secretly he was pleased. He didn't have a problem with making the nice young man called John laugh. It made his hazel eyes light up and glitter.

"The sun's going down," John pointed out regretfully. "We really should make our way back home. May I come and picnic again with you next time?"

"Of course! I'll need to check your Math problem."

"Of course you do!" John smirked. "And I'll check yours."

"Oh please! Mine will be correct. I don't know if I already told you, but I'm a genius."

"You may have mentioned it," John laughed as he picked up the picnic basket and led the way back to the portal.

When they got back to the castle in Atlantis, John stopped Rodney from entering into the staff quarters with a hand on his arm.

"Rodney, today has been one of the best days of my life."

"It was fun wasn't it?" Rodney agreed.

For a moment they just looked into each other's eyes, then John smiled broadly.

"Good night, Cook's Assistant."

"Good night, Man-of-all-work."

***

After that it became a ritual. Every second Thursday, the two of them would meet up by the Stargate and then travel through to the cave where they would play chess, do Math, play with Rodney's equipment and picnic.

John told Rodney of his longing to fly, so Rodney started drawing up plans for a heavier-than-air-flying-machine, which John said _he_ would name when it was finished. John brought any materials that they would need as he said he had plenty of friends in the palace who would give him tools and off-cuts. Rodney didn't really care where the stuff came from, he just enjoyed making John happy and working together like this made John laugh and smile.

John tried to get Rodney interested in sword fighting and archery, but Rodney didn't really want to be good at that kind of thing. However, he did make a gun, like the one that he had made for Ronon, and John had huge amounts of fun shooting things. Rodney just made him promise not to shoot any animals and John agreed. Every now and again John would get Rodney to have a go and he'd put his arm around his friend to help him with stance and aim. Rodney didn't mind that so much.

In fact they hardly noticed the winter fly past. Christmas was fun as they spent the day in the cave with a big open fire and Rodney gave John a book of problems and a light bulb, while John gave Rodney a rather nice chess set. MAFS got a stack of walnuts for when he came out of hibernation and Rodney left them by his warm bed in the eaves of the castle.

Finally spring came around and the buds began to appear, and one Thursday Rodney was late arriving.

"Oh, it's all that stupid Princess Chaya's fault."

"Oh? Why?"

"It was her birthday yesterday and so we had that big party, but it's no party for us in the kitchen! I had to scrub fifteen pots this morning! _Fifteen!_"

"It's busy in the hall, too" John agreed and bit into pie.

"I wish the King would just marry her or something, then Queen Mora would go away and all those damned courtiers and servants and nobles would go away too! It's all just endless work for the kitchen staff and I am always so tired at night! If I didn't have our Thursdays to look forward to, I don't think I could survive!"

"Perhaps the King doesn't want to marry Princess Chaya?" John suggested.

"I saw her once. She's very pretty," Rodney commented, biting into his own pie. "Haven't you seen her?"

"Once or twice."

"What's she like?"

"Like a Princess."

The Ordinary Prince threw a handful of grass at him. "That's a stupid answer."

"No, it isn't," John retorted. "When you've seen as many Princesses as I have, you'll know what I mean!"

The Ordinary Prince beamed and then asked. "Will you tell me about Princesses, John?"

"OK, well, first of all, they are all beautiful." John leaned back against a tree trunk and ticked the points off on his fingers. "Then secondly, thirdly and fourthly, they all have long golden hair that does that ringlet thing, bright blue eyes and lovely complexions."

"I have blue eyes," Rodney objected.

"Yes, but yours are really blue and really bright with intelligence. You wouldn't catch a Princess being intelligent!"

"God forbid!" Rodney threw in.

"Quite! Fifthly and sixthly, they are graceful and accomplished. Seventhly, they all have ridiculous names like Persephone and Sapphire and Chaya. And lastly, they are all excessively proper and extremely dull and… I've run out of fingers!"

"You can use mine!"

"No, it's ok, I just prefer the sort who are pretend Princes or Princesses like my dear friend Prince Rodney."

"The make-believe ones are definitely infinitely superior! I just wish that Queen Mora would go away!"

"Yeah, me too!" John agreed.

***

Two weeks later, something strange happened.

They met up as usual by the portal and went through to the cave. In the whole time they had been going there, they had never met anyone else there, but this time there was a man with curly black hair standing outside and looking as though he might go in.

"Hey! What the hell do you…?" Rodney shouted out angrily, but he was astonished when the man turned around and cried out.

"Bloody Hell!"

"Carson? " Rodney said in shock and John closed up, ready to back him up.

Carson, of course, had to ruin everything by bowing low. "Your Highness!"

"What?" Asked John.

"Where the bloody hell have you been all this time?" Carson demanded.

"What?" John asked again. "Why did you call him…?"

"Carson… please go away," Rodney begged in distress.

"You can bloody well come back home with me, Your Highness," Carson scolded. "Your Royal Mama has been tearing her hair out with worry."

"Carson, please?"

"What the hell is going on?" John asked.

"Look at ye!" Carson was unstoppable now. "If the King knew what his son was doing… and your hands… and what in God's name are ye wearin' 'cos it looks like the cat dragged ye in!"

"Right! Stop right there!" John commanded. "You, shut up!" He pointed at Rodney, "And you, explain. Who is Rodney?"

"Rodney?" Carson asked. "That's my pupil, Prince Meredith of Canadia. He's been missing for six months!"

John whirled around at glared at Rodney, who shrugged and tried to look apologetic. Unfortunately, it just made him look stubborn, with his chin jutting out and mouth closed tightly.

"So you were a real Prince all this time?" John accused.

"It's not my fault!" Rodney defended himself. "I can't help it!"

"You little fibber! For two pins I could… I could _spank _you!"

Rodney saw John's eyes soften as he said this, and he giggled in relief. "You can't spank a Royal Highness."

"Oh, can't I?" John argued and it looked as though he might do it there and then.

"You wouldn't dare!"

"I might just… but perhaps not with your friend here watching!"

"Thank God for that!" Carson chuckled. "Ye are coming home though now, aren't you, Sir?"

"Not… not yet… I can't yet, Carson," Rodney pleaded. "You won't… tell, will you?"

Carson considered this, then he said. "Look, sooner or later you're going to have to come home. Your Royal Parents miss you, you know."

"No they don't. They wanted to lock me in a tower and make Princes fight the Wraith to trick them into marrying me! I'm not going back to that!"

"What?" John asked.

"Long story, I'll tell it to you when Carson's left me alone."

"Teyla and Ronon have never stopped looking for you," Carson added.

"Carson, please, don't tell anyone yet. I promise I'll stay in touch with you, but…"

"Your secret's safe with me, Your Highness."

"Thank you." Rodney embraced his tutor and then managed to persuade him to go away.

When they were alone again, John turned to Rodney and took him by the shoulders.

"You're a Prince!"

"It doesn't make any difference does it?" Rodney asked anxiously. "I mean, I can't help it."

"It doesn't make any difference to me, but what about you? I mean, you're a Royal Highness and I'm… I'm just a Man-of-all-work."

"So? Who cares? I'd like you just as much if you turned out to be a… a… coalheaver!"

"Thanks," John drawled. "I'll remember that when I'm a coalheaver."

"Oh, don't be silly."

"So you like me then?"

"Of course I like you," Rodney snorted. "You really think I'd spend my only free afternoon with you every time if I didn't?"

"No," John grinned. "So?"

"So, what?"

"So, how did Prince Meredith become Rodney the Cook's Assistant?"

It took quite a long time to tell the story, and even longer to get John to calm down and promise not to invade Canadia and hunt down the King and Queen to torture them. Apart from anything else, Rodney told John how _big_ Ronon was, remembering to include a description of how much the man liked to beat people up and fire guns at them.

In the end, they stayed far too long and had to run all the way to the castle to get there before they locked the gates. They barely had time to say good night before Rodney was whisked off to the kitchen to start working on the evening meal.

An event like that afternoon's was bound to be unsettling and Rodney couldn't help pondering and worrying about what would happen. What if Carson told? What if Teyla and Ronon were to appear at the gates and start a war or something? Would they start looking into hiring Wraith again?

There seemed to be more washing up than ever that night and Rodney was so perturbed that he broke three plates and was scolded by the Fourth Assistant Senior Cook whose temper was never very good.

Unfortunately Rodney was so upset that he managed to let a soup plate slip right out of his hands and land loudly on the floor, breaking into eighteen quite small pieces, and one of those flew up and caught the Fourth Assistant Cook on the nose.

The Assistant Cook's temper was never very good and he had had more than one argument with the Fourteenth Assistant Cook's Assistant about the best way to roast or broil, plus he had a bad tooth that had been keeping him awake for the last three nights, let alone the extra work that was caused for everyone by the delegation from Proculus… well, anyway, the Ordinary Prince found himself dismissed.

Of course, the Fourth Assistant Senior Cook didn't put it as elegantly as that.

"You're fired!" He yelled. "Take a week's wages and get out of my kitchen!"

"Fine!" Rodney lifted his chin defiantly. "Fine! I'll go! I don't care!"

But of course, he did care really. He sat down on the bottom step of the staircase that led up to the attic and sighed.

"Oh, there you are!" A voice startled Rodney and he looked up to see John grinning at him.

"I've been fired!" Rodney managed not to sob.

"What?"

"Dismissed! I broke four plates and the Fourth Assistant Senior Cook fired me!"

"Oh… Good."

"How can you say that?" Rodney cried out angrily. "It was my job and I was earning money and everything!"

"Dearest Rodney, I only said 'good' because I think it's awful that you have to work so hard and all for so few pfennigs!"

"But where am I to get another job? Ordinary people work – that's what Radek said!"

"I can sort that out – you see…"

But they were interrupted by a very gorgeous person indeed coming through the door between the fine halls and the kitchens.

"Oh crap!" John sighed as the man stepped forward into the light.

Chapter Four


	4. Chapter 4

**The Ordinary Prince – Chapter Four**

Stolen and adapted to fit with SGA characters by Fenchurch. Beta-d by my Goddess47 – Goddess of commas and super-fast betaing!

Thanks also to M M Kaye who wrote _The Ordinary Princess_ – my favourite children's book.

***

The man was very gorgeously dressed in a suit of crimson and violet taffeta, laced with gold and embroidered with twinkling jewels, and wherever there was room for one he seemed to have added a bunch of ribbons. He looked very out of place in the dark plain halls of the kitchens.

This person stood and stared at them in horror and Rodney was worried that John would be fired too, but instead the Minister (only a Minister would be quite so over-dressed, Rodney decided) drew himself up very tall and then bowed low.

"Your Majesty must excuse me," he bowed even lower, "but I was to request Your Majesty's presence in the Council Chamber. One of Your Majesty's equerries informed me that you had been seen coming this way, and though I could not believe that…"

"Oh shut up and go away!" John snarled. "You have no idea how difficult you are making this. I'll be there when I can get there… it's not like you take any notice of me anyway." The last bit was muttered.

"Well!" Rodney stood and folded his arms in indignation as the Councillor left them alone. "Well, I must say…!"

"I'm sorry, Rodney, I was just about to tell you when old Pimple-face there turned up!"

Rodney turned to go up the stairs and John caught his arm. Rodney looked disdainfully down at the hand holding him back and said, very haughtily.

"Will Your Majesty be so good as to release me?"

"Don't be a pompous idiot!" John scolded. "I can be as swanky and pompous as you can, if I want to! And I _was_ going to tell you, only that flat-footed fat-head of a Court Chamberlain had to go and spoil it all."

"I knew he was a Minister of something!" Rodney nodded. "And _you_ were a real prince all along!"

"I'm a King actually!"

"For two pins, I could give you a good hard slap!"

The King grinned cheerfully at him. "You can't slap a King!"

"Oh, can't I?" Rodney said with intent.

Then they both broke down in giggles and had to sit down on the stairs together.

"Why did you tell me your name was 'John'?" Rodney asked eventually.

"Well, you have to admit that 'Algernon' is pretty awful. Besides, one of my names is 'John'."

"How many have you got?" Rodney asked.

"Six… _Meredith_!"

"OK, so we agree that Royalty have no idea how to pick names," Rodney sniggered and they started to laugh again.

"Right, John, listen, I know about Councils and they really hate being made to wait."

"Oh, it's not like they really need me there. They tend to ignore me."

"You may be a King, but you're a Man-of-all-work too."

"Thanks for the reminder."

"So, what are we going to do?"

"Look, Rodney, you're right, I do have to go, but promise me you won't go far. Go and pack and I'll come and meet you here after the meeting. Promise me you'll be here?"

"Of course, John."

John pulled Rodney to him in a strong hug and Rodney hugged him back. Then John tapped Rodney on the shoulder and hurried off.

***

As the King entered, the Councillors all rose slowly to their feet and bowed. The Ladies were quite severe and the Lords were cross but they all bowed properly and with exactly the right depth as King Algernon jogged past them.

"Ok, Ladies and Gentlemen, please be seated. Sorry I'm late."

John sat on the golden throne at one end of the chamber and amused himself watching the stuffy people settle themselves back into their cushioned chairs.

"So, what's the problem?" the King asked inelegantly.

Apparently the trouble was the King's marriage. The Prime Minister had called a Council of State to urge His Majesty to propose for the hand in marriage of Her Royal Highness the Princess Chaya Sar of Proculus. It took half-an-hour for the courtier to explain this and John didn't know the meaning of many of the words the man used, but most of the Councillors were nodding and at least pretending to understand, so John just sighed and waited. He pulled out the problems that Rodney had set for him and started on those. They had been a Godsend in Councils recently.

When the Prime Minister had run out of things to say, the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs stood and started listing the many and varied reasons why the King should marry.

What a good thing it would be to have a Consort. What an excellent thing it would be for the country to have a rich and powerful ally such as Proculus. How greatly it would encourage trade, and how beautiful and gracious and charming and cultivated was the Princess Chaya Sar. She sounded quite jealous.

Some of the older Councillors frankly dozed, and the King wrote '_you marry her then_' on a piece of paper, which he then folded into an aerodynamically perfect paper aeroplane.

Actually, he had tried to interrupt once or twice, but the Prime Minister, the Chancellor and the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs all had very loud voices, and as they were absolutely determined to finish their speeches (after all they had even written them down in joined up writing!), he gave up and went back to drawing a picture of the Prime Minister in a frilly dress.

The fact of the matter was that the entire Council had got so used to managing affairs while he was a little boy that they sometimes forgot that he was no longer quite so little and quite capable of thinking for himself. They had all told him what to do and how to do it for such a long time, that everybody had become used to it.

So, when they had all quite finished and even put the pads of paper down, the King stood up and cleared his throat.

There was immediate silence. This was, after all, the King!

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I have listened with the deepest interest to all you have had to say." (Which was really far from true, but royalty has to tell this kind of fib sometimes.) "And may I say," continued the King, "that I am deeply touched by your concern for my welfare. But," and here the King suddenly ceased to be quite so royal, "there is no way on Earth that I will ever propose to Cousin Chaya!"

"Your Majesty!" gasped the Prime Minster, the Chancellor and the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs and pretty much all the other Councillors at once (the ones that were awake, anyway).

"Don't interrupt me," snapped the King. "I have listened to millions of your damned speeches, so now you can listen to one of mine! I am going to marry His Serene and Royal Highness Prince Ro… hem… _Meredith_ of Canadia, with or without your permission."

"But Your Majesty…" the Chancellor tried to interrupt.

"I haven't finished yet!" said the King severely. "I desire an embassy to set out for Canadia immediately, to ask Queen Elizabeth for her son's hand in marriage. And the sooner the better! That's pretty much it."

He bowed politely to the Councillors and marched off.

"Canadia!" said the Prime Minister.

"Now there's an idea!" mused the Chancellor.

"Is it dinner time?" asked the Minister of State for Agriculture.

"What will Queen Mora say?" asked the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs.

"Oh yes!" said the King, reappearing rather suddenly at the door. "I forgot to mention that I think one of you should drop a strongly worded hint to my dear Aunt that even the most friendly of visits ought to end some time. She and my cousin and all the odd bods and baggage who came with them have been here for weeks and weeks! It's time they left as they make a lot of extra work for the kitchen staff."

And with that he popped his head round the door again, leaving the Council gasping with shock and dismay.

The Prime Minister was the first to recover.

"You know, that idea of the King's about an alliance with Canadia is not a bad one. I don't know why we didn't think of it before! It is every bit as powerful as Proculus – with whom we are already connected through the King's Aunt. And, come to think of it, she is a very bossy woman and if the King were to marry her daughter, she would be an almost _permanent_ visitor…"

"Does anyone disagree?" the Chancellor asked.

"Right then," the Prime Minister decided. "It is obviously all for the best. Chancellor, see to drawing up the draft for that hint that His Majesty requested, and the rest of you… start thinking about the embassy to Queen Elizabeth."

***

"Where the hell have you been?" Rodney demanded when John reappeared.

"Look, there isn't much time. I have to be up really early tomorrow morning to do some State business. I just opened a can of worms in there and it's time I started ruling my own kingdom!"

"Go John!"

"So, first of all, will you marry me?"

"Oh, John!"

"Yeah right. Yes or no?"

"What do you think?"

"I _know_ what I think! I want to know what _you_ think! Yes or no?"

"Duh!"

"_Rodney_!"

"But marrying a King is a serious business! Don't you think I ought to a little time to consider it?"

"Seriously? No! Besides, you told you'd like me just as much if I turned out to be a coalheaver – remember?"

"But you didn't!"

"That's not the point!"

"You don't mind wonky mouths and abrasive personalities?"

"I love them!"

"Them or me?"

"Rodney! OK… I love you, alright?"

"Yes!"

"Yes 'it's alright' or yes' you'll marry me'?"

"John! I mean yes, I love you too and I want to marry you!"

"Oh thank God for that!" John grabbed his fiancé and kissed him.

"Wow!" said Rodney.

"Right, now you need to go home to Canadia."

"What?" asked Rodney, whose brain was still full of kisses. "Um…why?"

"Well, firstly because I'm sending an embassy to your mother to ask for your hand in marriage properly. It would look a bit weird if they turned up and you weren't there!"

"I suppose…"

"Secondly, we can't let the people know that their future Prince Consort was once an Assistant Cook's Assistant. They can be frightfully snobby."

"I'll have to go back." Rodney's face fell.

"I'll come for you as soon as I can!"

"It's so unfair that I can't come for you, just because you're the King."

"Ha! Get used to it!" John crowed.

"It'll take months and months for them to organise a Royal Wedding."

"I'll do my best to hurry things up, but you need to get yourself to Carson's house and then back home."

"John… I'll miss you."

"You can write. Address it to John the Man-of-all-work and I'll make sure I get it."

Rodney grabbed John for another, more passionate kiss and then let go.

"Go get them! Remember, you're the King!"

"Yes Dear!" John grinned. "Be careful and don't let them lock you up in a tower."

"Not a chance!"

John kissed Rodney again and then picked up Rodney's tiny bundle, which included the cardboard box with Rodney's earnings and MAFS' bed. Rodney took it, let MAFS jump onto his shoulder and followed John to the Hall. A page bowed low and John told him to escort Rodney to the forest.

As Rodney took a last look at the wonderful castle of Atlantis, he reflected on how simply gorgeous his fiancé was. Then he turned and walked straight to the portal and thence to Carson's house.

***

Two days later Prince Meredith calmly entered the private breakfast room, kissed his mother and started helping himself to bacon and eggs.

The Queen nearly fainted and the King kept saying 'Goodness!' and mopping his brow. When everything had calmed down and both the King and Queen had told Rodney exactly what they thought of him, Rodney announced.

"Yes, I am back and I want to tell you that I really hate both of you, but it isn't true. However, if you even think about locking me up in a tower again, or getting Wraith in to trick Princesses into marrying me, then I shall leave and you will never see me again!"

"No Wraith, Mer, I promise," Elizabeth agreed.

"Also, I really hate my first name. Call me Rodney from now on, it's a sensible name and it's not a girl's name."

"Very well, Rodney," said the King.

"So, that's that settled. Now, what juice is there that is not citrus?"

***

It was inevitable that the moment Rodney was back in the palace, the Council of Canadia would start panicking about marrying him off again.

The Queen ordered as many lotions and curling papers as she could find and the King started prodding the Council into thinking up suitors for Prince Meredith's hand in marriage. The Queen was beside herself with worry and the King tried to calm her down and resign her to the fact that there would be one Royal Child who would end up a bachelor.

Rodney put up with it all – the lessons in deportment, the baths and face masks, the jewels and the clothes, but all the time he waited for his King to come and rescue him.

Then the miracle happened.

"Meredith! Meredith!" The Queen ran along the corridor that led to Rodney's bedroom.

"Yes Mother?" Rodney opened the door and led his over-excited mother to an ornate chair.

"Put on your best clothes at once and do try to hold yourself like Prince and not like a Cook's Boy!"

Rodney grinned at this, but only said, "What has happened, Mother?"

"It's a miracle! An embassy from His Majesty the King of Lantea has just arrived to _ask for your hand in marriage_!!"

The Queen was far too excited to sit still and started trawling trough Rodney's clothes to find ones that would show off how slim he had become and yet hide the fact that his mouth sloped downwards on one side and that his hair was not golden and curly.

Rodney just picked up the letter that the Queen had been fanning herself with and realised that it was addressed to him… or at least to _His Serene and Royal Highness Prince Meredith_. He picked it up and clutched it to his chest.

"John," he sighed, happily.

As he made himself ready, the King and Queen met in an ante-chamber and discussed how they would approach this envoy.

"Do you think they'll retract the offer once they see him?" King Richard asked nervously.

"I've arranged for the lights to be behind him and for only the plainest servants and attendants to surround him," Queen Elizabeth replied.

"Will he behave?"

"It's Meredith, of course he won't behave! But let's see if we can keep this meeting as short as we can."

It may have been due to the lighting in the room, or the fact that next to the servants, the Prince was drop-dead gorgeous. Maybe it was due to the fact that the Prince didn't insult the ostentatiously dressed envoy who didn't recognise the Cook's Boy he'd caught chatting with the King. Or perhaps it was because Prince Meredith behaved wonderfully well and looked so happy that his mouth didn't slope at all. Whatever the reason, the visit went wonderfully well and finished with the announcement that the wedding would take place in June.

***

Sometimes it seemed to Rodney that June would never come.

When he wasn't looking out of the window and willing time to pass faster, he was being fitted for new clothes such as would befit the new Prince Consort of Lantea, or writing hundreds of thank you letters to people he had never heard of who sent him wedding presents.

At one point the Court painter was called for and Mynheer Van Lorne was instructed to paint the Prince as flatteringly as possible. After all, the King had never met his future husband… or so they thought.

In fact Rodney asked Lorne to paint a proper picture, too.

"I can't possibly send him that one, it doesn't look anything like me."

"I think this one is much better," Lorne agreed, showing him the replacement picture and liking the Prince enormously.

"Would you come to Lantea with me? I happen to know that King Algernon doesn't have a Court Painter and I could use some help with some of my designs."

Lorne wasn't the only one who agreed to go with the Prince. Carson declared that he wanted a change of scenery and Teyla and Ronon decided to give up their jobs and move to Lantea to start up a school for martial arts, a project that Rodney agreed to fund.

And of course MAFS refused to leave Rodney's side.

'_I've had a whole room converted for him to play in,'_ John wrote '_and there will be so many walnuts his stomach will burst! By the way, that portrait was hilarious! Please, please, please bring Mr Lorne with you, I want him to paint all my court for a laugh!'_

***

At last the day arrived and Rodney dressed in the fine gold threaded brocade that had been delivered two days earlier. He actually liked it as it wasn't too heavy and the blue of the jacket suited him. He had argued with his mother about what to wear, but had finally managed to convince her that the King of Lantea wouldn't just turn around and walk out when he saw 'the real thing' rather than the painting.

He had also cut down on the jewellery and the finery, saying that he liked things to be much plainer and a lot less fussy. His mother wasn't happy, but Rodney merely pointed out that this was _his_ wedding, not hers.

And so Queen Elizabeth of Canadia led her only son down the aisle of the Great Cathedral to meet with his future husband.

The music swelled and the two families moved together. The King of Lantea bowed to the Queen of Canadia, who curtseyed. Then the King Consort of Canadia stepped forward and bowed.

"Your Majesty, may I present my son, Prince Meredith Rodney Ingram McKay,"

"Your Royal Highness." John bowed his head.

"Your Majesty," Rodney replied and bowed in a superbly graceful movement that astonished his Royal Parents. No one noticed that the Queen had her fingers crossed behind her back, but she needn't have worried. The King of Lantea held out his hand and Prince Meredith accepted it and they went side by side to the altar.

"It's really you!" Rodney hissed at his fiancé as they walked together. "I wasn't sure under all that lace!"

"I can't believe you're wearing that acorn necklace!" John whispered back.

"I kept it," Rodney admitted. "Now shut up and pretend we've only just met!"

After the ceremony came the banquet and the new Prince Consort of Lantea sent out basket after basket of food and cake to the people of the capital city, having arranged for the same to happen in all the other main towns and cities of the realm. It was clear that the newly-weds were getting on very well as King Algernon kept laughing and Prince Meredith giggled, especially when his husband snorted champagne down his nose at one of his jokes.

Suddenly there was a crack of thunder and a flash of lightning and the great doors of the palace flew open to reveal a crazy gnome with wild hair.

"Oh John!" Rodney enthused. "I mean _Algernon_… you have got to meet my Ancient Godfather Radek Zelenka!" and he pulled his new husband up and over to greet the new arrival.

"Panebože!"

"Bless you!" said Rodney, politely.

"You've lost weight!" the Godfather exclaimed, ignoring his Godson. "And your husband is very tall. Well, I have a present for you. My gifts cannot be tied with paper and string. Bend your heads both of you."

Rodney and John exchanged glances and bowed their heads.

"You will both live long and happy lives and you will never lose the love you have for each other. You shall always have the love and respect for your subjects, who will be prosperous. In fact you will live happily ever after!"

"Now that's what I call a wedding present!" John laughed.

So, they ruled Lantea from the beautiful city of Atlantis and lived happily ever after.


End file.
